Do I say hello even though I know he’s not going to say hello back? I mean, he doesn’t talk, right? But wait, maybe he does talk a little. Do I say hello and wait expectantly for him to return the greeting, looking right at him and waiting? I’ve heard sometimes he does talk and I don’t want to be rude and not acknowledge that he can, in fact, do that. Or maybe it’s just that he can’t hear me, maybe I need to move closer, get right in his face and say HELLO over and over again!!!! Maybe that will make everyone feel comfortable and at at the same time I can feel good that I have engaged the non-engageable child. Or maybe, I will just say “Hi” as he’s walking by, and stand there and wait until Mom tries to make him say Hi back. Because I mean, probably the reason he’s not saying Hi back is just that the parents haven’t done a good job at teaching him manners, and it’s MY JOB to show that with a little encouragement and engagement, he TOO can learn how to be polite.
Ahhhhhh!!!! Just writing that out has sent me into a time warp where those very things used to happen on a daily basis, except the last one DID happen yesterday. None of them are “The right way” and none of them are comfortable for me….. the Mom, of that Severely Autistic child.
But hey, I get it. You WANT to do the right thing, you just don’t know what that is. Funny thing, I’m not really sure I do either. I’ve been at this special needs parenting thing for 16 plus years now, and I”m still figuring it out. So tell you what, I’ll do this, I’ll tell you what does NOT work. And I’ll tell you as the years have gone on, what I’ve appreciated. However, I have no idea how he feels about it. And I’m not sure I ever will.
I will be honest about this, other people’s attempts at connecting with, or interacting with Benjamin usually just makes me really uncomfortable. Not to say he doesn’t have amazing connections and interactions with some people, but they are formed over time, and usually by HIS choosing, and HIS initiation, not the other way around. When this happens I am overwhelmed with Joy, and appreciation for those people ALLOWING the space for Ben to come to them. But not the other way around. And I don’t think I’m alone in this. MOST of the time, Ben couldn’t care less about you or what you are trying to say to him. And so as you’re beautifully trying to love on, connect with and talk to my mostly non-verbal autistic son, I’m not only feeling bad that he’s not able to respond, but feeling bad because your good-hearted try is not being reciprocated. So then I start making excuses for him. This is just a yucky feeling all around.
So here’s what NOT to do while trying to interact with a special needs child, (or at least one like Ben). I’ve gotten this list from experiencing it and it doing it all wrong.
- Do NOT assume they can’t hear you, get in their face and talk loudly. This used to happen ALL-THE-TIME when Ben was little. He looked so normal, he was so cute, and adorable. But his response to you getting in his face, loudly, will do the OPPOSITE of what you are hoping. Any special needs child would probably have an over-stimulation response. First they would get away as quickly as they could and possibly start some kind of stim behavior, (rocking, hand flapping, twirling, or holding their heads in their hands). And although the severity of special needs/autism can vary, I think this is a pretty typical response to someone getting in their face, no matter how severe.
- Do NOT say “Hi Benjamin” and then stand there trying to follow his darting and diverting eyes with your head and eyes, really letting him know, that you care, you’re there, and you want to hear back from him, whatever that is. Listen, I love your heart. I love that you care, and you want to connect with my son. It’s kind, it’s compassionate, and I know you are TRYING to do the right thing. But stop it. It’s making me squirm, and now I have to feel bad that he’s not doing what you are hoping he’ll do. And then I have to come up with excuses (outside of just “He’s autistic”) about why he’s not going to say hi back. Every once in a while he might say hi back, and that will be wonderful, but MOST of the time, he won’t. And you standing there waiting for him to respond is just making us all uncomfortable.
- Don’t try to change a behavior while you are at said person’s house for dinner (or whatever you are there for). REALIZE, they probably have given up on some stuff just to make life easier on their day today. I’ll share a story about this one. One thing we have had to give up on with Ben, is him eating with us. For whatever reason, he will not sit at the table and eat with us, ever. He always wants to be on his own. We fought it for a while, but then we put him on a special diet where he couldn’t have a lot of the things we were eating anyway, so it was actually convenient that he didn’t eat his meals at the same table as the other kids. Still……. it breaks my heart. To this day it does. I hate how separate he is when we are out as a family, and even when we are all home together. The five of us, (Jason, Willow, Elijah, Micah, and Hannah) all at one table, and Ben at the desk, or in front of the TV or wherever. And it’s not just that he doesn’t want to eat at the table because he WOULD eat there if no one else was sitting there. Anyway, over the years, when people are over, they try to be nice, and inclusive and find a way to convince Ben to sit with us. As much as I understand the heart behind it, I want you to know, it breaks my heart. It’s something I am ALREADY sad about, and you bringing it out into the light and him shunning not only us but now also YOU is sometimes just too much to bear. He’s not going to eat with us. He doesn’t want to.
So what SHOULD you do? How SHOULD you act towards him, or any other special needs parent? Well, that’s a hard one, because I think with a variety of abilities and desire to interact, I can’t give you an across the board answer. I think a lot of special kids, and even Autistic kids who don’t really LOOK like they want you to interact with them, actually do want that. They actually LOVE being acknowledged and included. That’s not Ben. He just doesn’t seem to care one way or the other. So my best advice is ASK! Ask the mom or dad, “What do you think is the best way for me to interact with your child? I don’t want to make him (or her) feel like they’re not important by ignoring the fact that they’re in the room, but I also don’t want to be pushy about them interacting with me.” I honestly think I would be THRILLED if someone took the time to ask me that. And since I just said that, I’m going to assume that all of the people that are around us in our regular life are collectively asking that question RIGHT NOW….. I’ll answer it.
Say “Hi” to him, and then move on. Don’t wait for an answer, but let him know you see him, and recognize the fact that he’s in the room. There I said it. Now, that is not the answer to ALL special needs/Autistic kiddos but that’s the one for us. Thanks for asking. 🙂 Now never get in his face ever again, please and thank you.
If you are special needs parent, what works best for your child?
P.S. If you made it this far, PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT! Like my Blog Facebook page @Theautismmomma2001 And Share this post with any of your other special needs parent friends!! Thanks for your support! #thisisBen
Love this! Thank you ❤️
Great useful information!